What's So Great about Mindfulness of the Breath?

In mindfulness practice we most often start with the breath. The breath is pretty powerful, think about it… we can live for days without food or water, but without the breath, we only last a few minutes. The breath is our bridge between the ‘outside’ and the ‘inside’; we breathe in air from outside, bring it inside our body and it is absorbed into every single cell, our whole body is bathed in it. The word ‘breath’ in Latin is ‘spiritus’ which also means inspire (or inspiration= to take in energy from the world), expire, and also sprightly (to be animated and full of life); in the Hebrew Bible one word for breath is ‘nefesh’ from a root which also means blood, life, soul, person; and another is ‘ruach’ which describes breathing from the mouth or nose, and also means courage, disposition or spirit. 

Isn’t it Boring?

When people hear about meditation that solely involves ‘paying attention to the breath’ they often feel kind of disappointed; like they are receiving remedial instructions… they want the ‘real’ stuff, not the elementary school version. We tend to think that the breath is pretty boring, mundane, and that’s why most of us don’t pay any attention to it at all. We take it for granted, this totally miraculous process of breathing. We just do it automatically, without thinking about it, although we also have the power to direct our breath if we wish. We like to forget that someday all of us, every single one, will take a final breath. Have you ever sat with someone as they were dying? Those who have speak of a profound experience. Imagine, when you focus on your breath for a few minutes sometime, what it would be to take your last few breaths?  Or go in the other direction and try to bring to mind what it feels like for a newborn baby to take his very first breath. Now maybe the idea of paying attention is a bit more interesting! 

(This cool animated gif was created by Eleanor Lutz)

In mindfulness of breathing, the breath becomes a focal point in order to train the mind. There are other focal points that can be used as well in mindfulness practice – sensations in the body, sound, and thoughts, for example -  however the breath is the most commonly used starting point. According to the teachings that these practices emerged from, it isn’t actually necessary to move beyond the breath in order for profound understanding to emerge.

Physical, Emotional, Mental: The Breath Knows it All! 

One way this works is because the breath is tied so closely to both our emotions and physical states; our breath can tell us so much about our experience when we begin to really pay attention. We often breathe faster under stress, or more shallowly because we are holding some of the muscles involved in breathing more rigidly, for example. When we feel good and are at ease, the breath becomes more relaxed and we take longer breaths. Certain moods may bring with them particular patterns of breathing for each of us.  When I am really stressed I’ll often find myself holding my breath without realizing it! So when we start to tune into the breath, and its various subtleties, we can start to learn a lot about ourselves, just on that level.  We start to notice these patterns… the interesting thing is that when we notice what’s happening, and we can alter our breath and have more of a conscious impact on not only our physical experience, but also potentially on our mind-states (like when I notice I’m holding my breath in stressful situations, I can stop and take a long, deep breath and it can have the effect of centering and grounding me.) Often times, when we become tuned-in to ourselves in this way we start to recognize patterns of reactivity that we hadn’t noticed before – at least not until long after they’d arisen and had their way with us! We recognize things sooner because we’re paying attention to a more subtle layer of experience.

Taking Up Residence

When we begin training with the breath we start with an intention to stay close to the sensations of breathing in one location in the body – without trying to manipulate or control it -  usually at the abdomen in the secular MBSR curriculum. (Using this location can help us to become more focused within the body.)  We stay with the direct experience, take up residence with it – the natural sensations of rising, falling... expanding, contracting -  all in that one location. We don’t follow the breath throughout its whole course through the body;  this way we have a smaller area to focus on and anchor to. When we stay put like this we start to notice the sensations that are involved with each momentary experience of breathing in and breathing out. This idea of an anchor is important. We are training the mind to stay present and we want to give ourselves a safe place to settle back on whenever we get lost! Our ability to stay ‘with’ the breath can seem discouraging at first; we find our minds don’t like to stay present so they jump around all over the place. Most people starting out find they can’t stay fully present with the breath for more than one and a half breaths! … and what we tend to begin to notice in this initial experience is what our unruly mind is busy doing so much of the time: 

“Somewhere in this process you will come face-to-face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking gibbering madhouse on wheels barreling pell-mell down the hill utterly out of control and hopeless. No problem. You are not crazier than you were yesterday. It has always been this way and you just never noticed.” (Bhante Gunaratana, Mindfulness in Plain English)

This process of returning back to the breath over and over again is an important part of the practice. We begin to see a whole microcosm of experience in what we might’ve previously imagined to be boring and monotonous and paid no attention. Not only does it train the mind to return to the present, but also often results (eventually!) in a mind that is able to come to a center; to be calm.  

We learn so much about ourselves, physically, emotionally and mentally, when we allow ourselves to settle in with the breath. The very simple breath, as it turns out, can be a key to the whole universe! Carl Rogers, the renowned psychologist, once said, “What is most personal is most general.” The breath is immanently personal; and yet it is also our connection with everything else.

So, go ahead and give the breath another look! Try some mindfulness of breathing. 

Mindfulness and Perception: How we see or don't see affects our lives

Mindfulness has many reported, and evidence-based, benefits; enhancing aspects of the physical, emotional and social. How does 'paying attention' create such a significant result in our lives? In looking at how perception impacts our lives, and at how mindfulness impacts our ability to perceive, we can begin to see some ways in which this practice can affect our relationship with the world. 

How we ‘see’ things – how we interpret our experience, is dependent upon many factors such as emotional state, past experiences, and beliefs, for example. A coiled rope on your path may appear as a snake or a backfiring vehicle may sound like a gun shot. More commonly, for most of us, it can be quite easy to misinterpret the meaning of another's words, such that a benign comment may be experienced as an insult when we are feeling vulnerable or in a bad mood. Our perception isn't so straightforward, and what we think we 'see' isn't always accurate. 

Perception: Patterns and Symbols

In order to make sense out of –and function in- our environment, we must be able to organize, identify and interpret our experience. As new babies we are subject to an onslaught of colors, sounds and sensations, and in order to interact in the world we begin to learn to categorize and prioritize these experiences. We end up with a very sophisticated system of symbols and labels.  

Language being one of these very important systems, along with the ability to discern meaning from patterns of experience; to recognize what is safe and what is a threat, for instance (‘Mom’ is safe; someone we’re not familiar with, a threat.) This process of learning to perceive our environment is necessary to our survival and functioning. However, this can begin to work against us when our interpretations and systems become rigid and inflexible. It’s not hard to lose sight of the fact that these tools for navigating our world are just that, tools, and we can begin to believe that these symbol systems and interpretations are actually objective facts or 'reality'.

What are we really seeing? 

Betty Edwards, an art teacher and the author of Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, recognizes how this tendency gets in the way of artistic skill for many people. 

“Visual information from the real world is rich, complicated, and unique to each thing we see. [However]... adult students beginning in art generally do not really see what is in front of their eyes … They take note of what’s there, and quickly translate the perception into words and symbols mainly based on the symbol system developed throughout childhood and on what they know about the perceived object.” -Edwards

Before and After Five Days of Instruction - Illustration from Betty Edwards "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain"

She has developed a five-day workshop which teaches almost anyone how to draw well, and her book presents the information covered in the workshop. What she teaches people is not artistic ‘skills’ per se, but rather how to ‘see’ the way an artist ‘sees.’  She does this by directing attention toward -and exercises working with - the elements that make up an image such as edges, spaces and shadow, among others. (with miraculous results - see the image above for before and after drawings!) 

We might also consider this tendency of not recognizing our symbol systems for what they are as a significant stumbling block in ‘thinking outside the box’.  We quite easily confuse our perceptual interpretations for what’s objectively true and are then unable to shift our thinking to any alternative possibilities. We get stuck in our same-old pattern. 

Another way to recognize how our particular interpretation of sense data isn’t necessarily reliable ‘fact’ is to consider optical illusions such as the young woman-old woman. Both images are present, but whether you initially see one or the other is dependent upon which perceptual cues you pick up. Whether you can eventually see both has a lot to do with how fixed your perception is after your first impression – are you unable to let go of the concept that was formed when you noticed the image initially? 

The ability to recognize the bare data being processed (color, shapes, negative and positive space, etc.)  while noticing the perceptual information derived from it (nose, hat, chin..)  facilitates more flexibility with that process – enabling us to let go of the idea that a particular arrangement of lines means “nose”, for example, so that we are once again open to ‘seeing’ what other interpretation might be available.

In mindfulness meditation we are training the mind to be more readily able to ‘think outside the box,’ and we are doing this not by trying to see 'outside' vs 'inside', but rather by becoming more intimate with it, that is, its components – letting go of the concept of 'box' and seeing what is really there. In general, it's through connecting with direct experience (seeing, hearing, felt sensations, etc.,) that we are able to engage at that level. We can still see at the conceptual level, of course, but we also begin to have more flexibility in recognizing the range of conceptual interpretations that are available to us based on the underlying data. We never lose the ability to see a ‘box’, but we also enable a greater cognitive flexibility. 

Seeing how we are seeing

In order to perceive in this way we are not only seeing what’s really there - or becoming aware of “the bare data of cognition” – as Bhikkhu Bodhi refers to it - but also of how we are perceiving; becoming aware of 'bare' experience, and also aware of the awareness of experience.  This is what Jon Kabat-Zinn is referring to when he says, “paying attention in a particular way”… it’s an attention that is present with direct experience and also recognizing how we are relating to present moment experience. This is a greater understanding of what it means to be mindful than merely ‘being present.’

Our ability to recognize how we are perceiving our experience can have a significant impact on us, this is evident in a very real way if you watch the powerful 15 minute TED talk by health psychologist, Stanford professor and best-selling author, Kelly McGonigal, PhD. Her TED talk on ‘How to make stress your friend’ is one of the most popular TED talks of all time.  In it, she discusses research that shows how you perceive stress has more of an impact on our health and well-being than the stress itself, and that the awareness of this effect can serve to change that relationship.

She asked the question, “Does the perception that stress affects health matter?”

Beware: Watching this video might just have a transformational effect!

“It turns out that thinking that stress is bad for you is.. really bad for you.”  - McGonigal  (Research indicates that believing stress is bad for you comes in at the 15^th largest cause of death in the US!)

The good news is that once we start to realize how our perceptual process and systems can trick us into believing our own conditioned minds in such limiting -and sometimes harmful- ways, we can also begin to understand how to moderate this effect. Mindfulness practices can help to establish a higher degree of proficiency with this very powerful 'tool' of the mind; our perception.  

Learning mindfulness not only helps us to become more present and connected in our lives as is so often reported, but also provides us with the skills to utilize our human tool-kit far more creatively and effectively. 

The difficulty and importance in defining ‘Mindfulness’

You are driving in traffic, someone cuts you off, barely missing hitting your car. Your young child is sitting in the seat next to you. A rush of adrenaline shoots through your body, your heart rate spikes, and you feel a flush of heat. Automatically you reach across your child’s body and your foot moves to cover the breaks. Your mind starts reeling… quickly calculating the many possible scenarios that ‘might’ve’ happened due to this thoughtless driver… your child, your car, yourself…  

The effects of this momentary experience could go in a couple of different directions; one from unconscious, habitual reactivity, and the other through the lens of mindfulness. Without having cultivated an ability to shift into mindful awareness, the most common result is an unchecked proliferation of angry and fearful thoughts, affecting how you interact with your young child for the next few minutes or hours, your attitude (aggressiveness?) from behind the wheel, and the natural, momentary stress reaction snowballing into a full-fledged, uncontrolled stress response affecting your mental and physical health. However, training in the practices of mindfulness, the intentional act of bringing non-judgmental awareness into the physical experiences happening in your body and the arising of thoughts and emotions, enables you to short-circuit the reactivity and restore a balanced mind to move through the rest of your day. 

An Unclear Definition as an Obstacle to Learning

Having training and practice in mindfulness can be deeply transformational, not only enabling us to intentionally respond better to stressful situations like with traffic, but also in shifting our relationship with others, ourselves, and our experience. However, one obstacle in endeavoring to learn mindfulness practices can be in the understanding of what “Mindfulness” actually means. Mindfulness has great cache these days based on significant outcomes in medical and health research, as well as in education and the corporate sector, among others.  Having thus entered into the popular culture the word “mindful” or “mindfulness” has come to be bandied about quite loosely, and the word is often used as an attribution for programs or classes that aren’t actually teaching the practice. Sometimes the word is merely added on as an adjective for an activity, such as ‘mindful drumming’, something I’ve recently seen advertised, for instance. And in other instances there may be an intention offer meaningful instruction in mindfulness, however what is actually being offered is only a few techniques, rather than guidance in the practice. (and, while there are many benefits to be had in some of the techniques offered in the name of mindfulness, there is a big difference; something I will address at a later date!)  

So, what's the definition? 

Mindfulness is a non-conceptual practice, so any attempt at providing a definitive meaning can be slippery. Although the word mindful has a particular meaning in English, the word mindful used in the context of a specific ‘practice’, (the practice which has been studied so widely) has much more nuance. The dictionary definition of ‘Mindful’ is, “bearing in mind; inclined to be aware” (Mirriam-Webster). Mindfulness practice is a practice of awareness, and as such, can seem deceptively simple when plainly interpreted, but it’s really not so easily pointed-to or defined. The English ‘Mindful’ was taken as a translation of the word, 'Sati' from the Pali language. Sati is an aspect of contemplative practice originally described in the Buddhist suttas some 2600 years ago. And even amongst Buddhist scholars this originating word, Sati, has been subject to much debate regarding its meaning. 



To work from a simple English definition of ‘mindful’, then, is misleading and overly simplifying; while practicing mindfulness is a practice of awareness, it is a more subtle level of awareness than what is generally accessed by most of us in day-to-day life.  

In looking at a few of the definitions offered by the experts, however, we may begin to have an understanding of what mindfulness practice entails:

Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, the creator of the original Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program, from which, all that we see today of this phenomenon has emerged, has one of the most widely quoted definitions of mindfulness, “…paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally…” 

Gil Fronsdal, PhD, another preeminent teacher of mindfulness, in reviewing the meaning of Sati within the Buddhist literature came to a holistic description in trying to incorporate multiple sources by describing it as “being in a state of lucid awareness.”

An oft cited popular definition for mindfulness practice is ‘present moment awareness,’ however, this too is somewhat misleading in pointing toward what the practice is about. Joseph Goldstein, one of the ‘fathers’ of mindfulness practice in the West, and author of one of the definitive books on mindfulness practice, endeavored to clarify the meaning as, “not only ‘being present’, but also an awareness of how we are relating to the present. It’s a special kind of awareness, that incorporates other components – it has a range of meanings.” (and here's a video with a lengthy talk by Joseph about mindfulness for anyone wishing to get a more in-depth understanding)

Goldstein’s definition points to two identifiable aspects to learning mindfulness: One is learning what mindful awareness ‘feels like’, and being able to recognize some of the subtle differences between mundane awareness and the attention referred to as ‘present moment awareness’ or ‘bare attention’. The other is being able to recognize, when accessing this kind of awareness of experience, how we are relating to that experience. Both of these together create what is understood as mindful, or ‘lucid’ awareness. Cultivating these abilities is what constitutes a mindfulness practice. 

Bhante Gunaratana, another luminary in the field, discusses the importance of training and practice in the cultivation of mindfulness in his book, Mindfulness in Plain English (which he offers freely online): “This state of perception has to be learned, however, and it takes regular practice.”

Experiencing mindful states vs. cultivating mindfulness practice

Mindful awareness is something that we may naturally and spontaneously experience in many situations, for instance; mindfulness correlates with the experience of ‘flow’ reported by athletes, it can be accessed through practices like yoga and qi gong, and may be experienced in relation to prayer. Mindful awareness can also accompany instances of extreme physical and/or emotional stress, as well as in states of deep relaxation. Those engaging in highly focused activities may experience periods of mindful awareness. However, none of these represent the practice of mindfulness in and of themselves; which also includes the aspects of cultivation, as well as learning to recognize the many subtle ways attention can fall off of the ‘razors edge’ of this kind of awareness (something that cannot come from conceptual understanding or techniques, but can be understood through guidance from an experienced practitioner); and none provide an understanding of how to intentionally bring mindfulness into other areas of our experience and into our daily life. 


These other usages of the word are only problematic in the sense that they create confusion about what mindfulness is, sometimes even with those who may have been 'turned on' to the practice, but still may not understand the difference between teaching techniques and teaching mindfulness practice. 


Understanding what mindfulness is informs how to best learn the practice, and as such, can help navigate the deluge of mindfulness programs that are likely offered in your local community.  Because, while mindful drumming might be an enriching experience, can be stress-relieving and even transcendent, it won’t teach you the mindfulness you’ll need to engage your experience in a new way when some mindless idiot (please see my previous post on forgiveness as a quality of mindfulness!) cuts you off in traffic. And, although learning some mindful techniques can be helpful in stressful situations such as these, remembering to apply a set of techniques can often be a challenge when we most need them. Indeed, approaching mindfulness as if it were merely a set of boilerplate instructions doesn’t lend itself to the fullness and power of what mindfulness truly is.  

However, when mindfulness is understood and approached as something more akin to an Art, something to be cultivated and developed; engaging experience mindfully comes to be a dynamic, natural internal resource. Cultivating mindfulness is a cumulative process, becoming progressively more integrated with our conscious experience, with less and less need to remember one more ‘technique’.  This is the way mindfulness practice becomes not only a resource for stressful times, but also a way to more fully enjoy and engage the full range of our experience. 

Unpacking Mindful Communication

How we communicate with one another, especially our speech, is the glue that enables relationship. One could say that communication IS relationship. So this is an important area, and a powerful one, to apply mindfulness. It would seem when considering a practice anchored in meditation, however,  that communication wouldn’t factor in at all.. after all, aren’t we just sitting by ourselves and watching the sensations of the breath for the most part? How does this translate to mindfulness in daily life, and mindfulness in communication in particular?

The answer to that becomes clear fairly quickly to practitioners of mindfulness… it tends to be an exciting revelation early on in practice; suddenly people notice that not only do they feel a little more centered themselves, but it seems to also have an effect on their relationships. They find others tend to respond differently to them – and that’s without ever learning any mindful communication techniques or giving it any thought at all! The key to mindful communication lies in first cultivating an ability to drop into 'mindful awareness', and then in recognizing our intentions when engaged with others. 

As Gandhi has stated, all change starts with the individual; 

"Be the change

you wish to see in the world"

... so it makes sense that the more we know ourselves, the better we function in the world. As I’ve mentioned before, in spite of the seemingly ‘selfish’ nature of mindfulness practice, it is, in fact, a generous act; transforming not only ourselves, but the relationships around us and our relationship with the world. However, as we make our way through the MBSR program we do move from the solitary practices of awareness of breathing, etc., into directly examining our communication from a mindful perspective. What does mindful communication look like, then, and what are some of the priniciples of mindful speech? 

Cultivating Mindful Attention

First, it’s important to mention that utilizing mindfulness techniques in daily life can be difficult to do without having a foundation in mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness is a particular way of paying attention, there is a quality of attention that is different from what is generally meant by ‘paying attention’, and it’s this that is developed and cultivated when we take time out for meditation practice each day. Once this is learned, however, it becomes easier and easier to ‘drop in’ to a mindful awareness in our daily life activities– and eventually even shifts into a default mode of operation. So, when we talk about the techniques for mindful communication, it’s helpful to understand that the quality of attention is different from just being aware of what’s going on the way we usually think of it.  A description of how mindfulness is engaged in communication may be helpful to understanding what that kind of awareness involves. 

How to Practice Mindful Communication

Mindful awareness in relation to communication involves being able to feel the sensations of the body; in our culture most of us aren’t in touch with our physical bodies at all unless some very strong experience demands it such as pain or very uncomfortable sensations. Learning to shift our awareness into the body is an extremely important aspect of bringing mindfulness to communication.  When we can notice what kinds of reactions are happening in the body in real-time we can become more responsive to stressful situations; after all, the stress response is a whole body-mind dynamic, only being aware of the content of our thoughts, for example, is not a full awareness of what is happening. Mindful awareness includes it all: Thoughts, sensations, emotions.  We can also use this kind of feedback to help us cultivate positive and nurturing patterns of communicating. 

Noticing Unpleasant Communication

Noticing tension or heat arising can be a cue that we are having a strong response, and having a mindful awareness of this allows us not to get pulled along by that into old patterns of reactivity that don’t tend to serve us well. It gives us a chance to become aware of whatever stories are present about the situation, and to check in with our intentions and desired results, and short-circuit the stress-response instead of reacting in the moment. 

Noticing Pleasant Communication

Bringing mindful awareness to pleasant communication can also be extremely beneficial; in his book Buddha’s Brain, Rick Hanson, a Neuropsychologist describes how we can re-wire our brains to default toward a more positive outlook.. something that scientists had believed was impossible for adults until recent research in neuroplasticity proved them wrong. By becoming more aware while engaging in happy, pro-active and nurturing communications, we begin to notice those pleasant experiences more, and the intentions and behaviors that enable those experiences. We also notice the kinds of responses we get when we are able to be more present with another. When we become conscious of this we become more able to intentionally apply that to communication when it’s not present; giving us the tools needed, through personal insight (not some list of techniques someone gave us that we’ll never be able to access in the heat of the moment!) to negotiate and change in mid-course.  As a teacher of mindfulness, I’ve heard some beautiful stories of this kind of insight arising in the midst of difficult conversations as we work with the mindful communication homework. 

In in the 4th and 5th week of the MBSR program we provide a ‘communication calendar’ where students can track communications over the course of each week: one week tracking ‘pleasant’ communications and in the next, ‘unpleasant’ communications. The following questions are what we are directing our awareness to in tracking our interactions: 

1. Describe the communication. With Whom? Subject?
2. How did the situation come about?
3. What did you really want from the person or situation? What did you actually get? 
4. What did the other person seem to want? What did they actually get?
5. How did you feel (physically & emotionally) during and after?

When looking at this list, one can notice the other major aspect involved in mindful communication: what motivations or intentions are present. When we notice what our intentions are and, for instance, recognizing when we have an intention to connect, as is often the intention present in a pleasant communication, we can see the results both in our internal experience and in the interaction. When we start to experience, consciously, how this dynamic feels often what arises is an interest in listening more and a natural manifestation of compassion – as well as an interest in cultivating this more intentionally in other interactions. We then can begin to apply this in what we’d normally consider unpleasant discussions; where can we find common ground, where can we find an intention to connect where we’d previously focused on what we’re trying to get out of the interaction?  In our awareness in difficult or unpleasant communication, we start to recognize how certain patterns of reactivity toward a challenge don’t serve our purposes. Noticing both pleasant and unpleasant communication, mindfully, we begin to be able to negotiate our relationships more skillfully and intentionally. 

In class, after we’ve spent a couple of weeks noticing our communication patterns, we engage in some fun exercises acting out common patterns of interaction based on Aikido, a martial art focusing on the resolution of conflict and coming into harmony.  The first exercises focus on what it feels like to take on the role of the victim, the passive-aggressive or avoidant participant, and the aggressor – roles we’ve each taken at some point - and the way in which they interact with one-another. Our last exercise focuses on working proactively with a perceived threat, by ‘entering and blending’: holding our own center and boundaries while moving toward a threat or ‘attacker’ in a way that engages and redirects energy without becoming confrontational. In the experiential acting out of these patterns, and the recognition of the physical sensations and emotional responses that accompany them, we internalize the sense of how each feels, something we can reference when we notice these patterns emerging in our daily life.  For instance, most recognize that when we get to engage in a mutual  “I’m right, you’re wrong”  stand-off there is a bit of a pleasant charge to it initially, but that it's eventually just frustrating- there isn’t a ‘winner’.  Having a more pro-active way of engaging up our sleeves can help inform the way we might respond to something that triggers us in the future. 

Principles of Wise Communication

Some further guiding principles in mindfully engaging skillful speech come from a Buddhist perspective. These are questions we can keep in mind that help frame our intentions to enable mindful communication. The Buddha stated that in order to qualify as skillful speech, it must include all of the following: 

Is it necessary? 

Is it helpful?

Is it timely? 

Is it kind? 

When we hold these higher intentions with our speech, and become mindful of the intentions that are guiding us in the moment, we can see the direct experience when we do and don’t end up following them. What happens in the body and mind when we end up making unkind comments? What is the result of an interaction when these guidelines aren’t held? Often we’re not so aware of these when we are focused on what we want to get or are triggered by someone else’s behavior. Bringing mindful awareness to our speech can drive more harmonious interactions, not because we ‘know we should..’ but because we see the way it affects us, others, and drives outcomes. 

All of this, though, boils down to a couple of ‘techniques’ to remember in mindful communication:

1) Cultivate the ability to ‘drop into’ the body when engaging with others. To orient to the body’s sensations you can connect with the felt-sense of the feet against the ground (i.e.; pressure, warmth), as well as to the sensations of breathing in the belly or the chest. Once this connection is established, notice whatever other sensations in the body are arising; tension, heat, tingling or vibration, etc.) This is something that becomes second nature in the course of a meditation practice.

2) Noticing the intentions involved in any communications; what are you wanting to get from the interaction? Is it information, a particular response, or simply to connect?

You’ll be surprised how very powerful it is to simply connect with the body’s responses in real-time and to notice your motivations and intentions as you are engaging with another. Mindfulness in our interactions doesn’t take anything more than an intention to notice what’s happening in the moment when paired with an ability to access mindful awareness. 

Forgiveness as a Quality of Mindfulness

Although ‘mindfulness’ as a practice is not easily definable,  the father of secular mindfulness, Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD., is most widely quoted with his definition: "...paying attention on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment to moment." It’s this ‘non-judgmental' aspect which connects us with the forgiving nature of mindful awareness. 

Although it is possible to find our way to this non-judgmental acceptance of the ‘way things are’ through the practice of awareness alone, it’s helpful to cultivate the heart as well; the ‘heart practices’ directly connect us to a non-judgmental way of being. Forgiveness can be cultivated through practice, similarly to other ‘divine' states, or heart practices which include Lovingkindness and Compassion.

Some of these heart practices are also taught within the MindfulnessBased Stress Reduction curriculum in order to help cultivate a ‘non-judgmental’ heart. Ultimately, mindfulness is not different from this way of engaging the world, as true kindness is open and aware, not holding onto anything; and awareness is inherently compassionate and forgiving. Two sides, really, of the same coin.

Mindful awareness is a way of relating in the world without clinging to how we would rather have things be, and instead being present fully with whatever  is actually happening. This is a constant act of forgiveness. We begin to notice the way in which the mind constantly looks for ‘something else’ when engaging in the practice of mindfulness, and we begin to see how uncomfortable this is. In essence, staying present is a continuous act of forgiving ourselves and forgiving our experience for not being what we’d like. So forgiveness practice is not only an adjunct practice to mindfulness, it is inherent within it. In addition, at times when there is agitation or stress, forgiveness practice can help to calm the mind and help it to more easily ‘accept’ things as they are and create more ease in accessing non-judgmental awareness, (and, we can also learn to be mindful and forgiving of our non-acceptance!)  

Quite often the person we most need to forgive first is ourselves.

Even if we are upset with another, it is in soothing our self-judgment that enables us to forgive someone else; I have found this to be the key to forgiving others, finding the place of injury in myself and bringing a kind and forgiving awareness toward this, as we are often caught in self-recriminations for some part we played in allowing another to cause us harm. (“Why did I trust this person…?”, “If only I’d done X instead of Y, I wouldn’t have been in that position…”)

Usually when we think of forgiveness, however, we think about extending forgiveness toward another who has caused us harm. One of the important things to recognize in this regard is that cultivating a forgiving heart and the act of forgiveness is not something that can necessarily be done quickly or easily. Often times, when someone ‘forgives’ too quickly, it is not a true forgiveness that comes from the heart. And it’s also important to recognize that there is a difference between ‘reconciliation’ and forgiveness. Reconciliation involves a re-establishment of trust and mutual understanding when there has been a rupture in a relationship, and that is something that must happen with both parties involvement and intention to heal. Forgiveness, however, doesn’t require another’s participation, but rather relies on our own recognition that many factors came together and created the situation, and the suffering and delusion from which it arose. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that we continue to enable another’s harmful behavior; it doesn’t mean we don’t take care of ourselves or don’t pursue corrective actions. Forgiveness does have us recognize the others’ humanity and it releases us from holding onto to negativity and anger. 

  

The 5^th century Buddhist scholar, Buddhaghosa, gave us a quote regarding the result of holding onto anger toward another; “… By doing this you are like a man who wants to hit another and picks up a burning ember or excrement in his hand and so first burns himself or makes himself stink.” It’s also important to remember that forgiveness practice is really mostly for ourselves, even when it is directed toward another. However, by finding forgiveness in our own hearts we may end up affecting those around us as well.

Forgiveness phrases, how to cultivate forgiveness

There are practices which can help us to incline the mind toward forgiveness, and by inclining the mind the heart will follow. The recitation of phrases, intentions or prayers, over time, can rewire our brain toward a different default; instead of going directly to blame and anger, our thoughts fall more easily into what we have cultivated instead.

The following phrases are those which have been offered to me by my Buddhist teachers:

I

For any way that I have caused harm to myself

Through Judgment, action, self-blame, indifference

Knowingly or unknowingly

In thought, word, or deed,

May I forgive myself.

May I allow myself to be a student of life

And to make mistakes.

May I forgive myself.

And if I cannot do so in this moment

May I be able to forgive myself in the future

II

For any way that I have caused harm to you

Knowingly or unknowingly

In thought, word, or deed

I ask for your forgiveness

May you accept me with my imperfections and mistakes

May you allow me to learn from my actions

May you forgive me

And if you cannot do so in this moment

May you be able to forgive me in the future

III

For any way that you have caused harm to me

Knowingly or unknowingly

In thought, word, or deed

May I forgive you

May I allow you, too, to be a student of life and to make mistakes

May I recognize your humanity, in the midst of my pain

May I forgive you, and if I cannot do so in this moment

May I be able to forgive you in the future

IV

May I let go of wanting the present moment to be anything other than it is

May forgiveness naturally flow through the pain and suffering of the mistakes and injuries of life

The prayer of St. Francis can also be very helpful in cultivating a forgiving heart:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

In the end, the practices of mindfulness, compassion, kindness and forgiveness converge and there is no longer any difference. The skill in developing a stable and open heart comes out of becoming more fluent in them all.

Why Sit in Meditation Every Day?

As I prepare to go off on retreat for a couple of weeks this month, I’ve been reflecting more on the cultivation of Mindfulness through formal practice.  Mindfulness practices do not necessarily involve sitting quietly and watching the breath, sensations in the body, sounds or thoughts, or, as is also taught in the MBSR curriculum, attention directed sequentially throughout the body into its ‘felt sense’ in a practice called the 'Body Scan'. However, it is these formal practices which teach us how to ‘informally’ drop into our experience mindfully in our day-to-day lives. Becoming mindful in our daily life activities is possible because of the way we cultivate the practice formally. This understanding informs the structure of the highly regarded MBSR curriculum (MindfulnessBased Stress Reduction – the originalsecular mindfulness curriculum created by Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD.)

Formal Practice as a 'Container': 

How Mindfulness is Taught in MBSR

In the MBSR program we start by learning the formal practices and how to integrate time for this into our lives in a way that works for each of us individually. We work with the challenges of the practice itself; learning how to navigate mindfulness beyond ‘techniques’ and into the living practice that it is, as well as working with the challenges that inevitably come up when trying to create a new habit.

By learning this in a group setting and over a designated period of time we create a ‘container’ for engaging the practice. It’s harder to blow it off, procrastinate or rationalize when we’ve made a commitment with others to go on this journey of learning. I’ve had many tell me that they’d tried to learn the practice through books and on their own without much success; so having this container for learning is actually an integral part of learning the practice. This parallels the importance of the formal practices themselves as a ‘container’; when we take a seat and set a timer and resolve to, for example,  watch our breath for 30 minutes regardless of whatever comes up in our body or mind (discomfort, restlessness, sleepiness, the thought that we need to ‘get something done’, doubt about what we’re doing.. etc.) we are likewise creating a container for ourselves so that we begin to actually see all these ways in which we try to run away from the experience of the present moment, and this is a critical aspect of learning a new way of relating to our experience. This is the crux of what we are training ourselves to do with mindfulness.

As we’re establishing a certain level of understanding or insight about what the practice actually is, and how to do it, we begin to see some results  in our internal experience. Often there is insight into some personal patterns that we never recognized before, and a surprising ability to hold some of our own experiences in a new way; without reactivity.

This internal understanding then begins to influence how we relate to our external experiences as well. We begin with our relationship with ourselves and this naturally evolves into an understanding of how we relate to others. The MBSR curriculum actively engages this unfolding of understanding by providing exercises and reflections with regard to mindfulness with our daily life experience and mindful communication. And, finally, as our practice begins to develop more robustly, and mindfulness becomes more of a natural way of being that we come back to throughout our day, we begin to see how we not only influence our internal experience through mindful awareness, but also how we are in relation to others and to the world. All the while, our formal practice time informs and deepens our understanding of how we hold ourselves and our experience in our day-to-day lives.

Through this process we begin to become mindful more and more in our daily 
life activities outside of any ‘formal’ practice time, and the formal practice maintains and cultivates our ability to do so. The pianist and composer Ignacy Jan Paderewski said of himself: 

“If I do not practice one day, I notice it. If I do not practice a second day, the orchestra notices it. If I do not practice a third day, the world notices it.”

Mindful Awareness Goes Beyond Mundane Awareness

In order to fully engage  mindfulness practice we must learn the formal practices, since mindful awareness is something that is beyond a mundane awareness and is difficult to comprehend or access without creating the kind of container that a formal practice time allows. One of my friends who has been a long-time practitioner reflected to me about establishing and maintaining a regular ‘sitting’ practice, she says;

“The ability to step back from myself in this way, stepping back from ‘conventional’ experience, gives me the space to see my own reactivity and to create the stability that is needed to find that pause in my daily life.”

While mindfulness is something larger than any technique and cannot be defined by any particular formal practice, it is the formal practices which cultivate our ability to engage our experience mindfully. Because mindfulness practice is something that continues to deepen and unfold over our lives, it is a habit that is worth cultivation. Most of us take the few minutes a day to brush our teeth because we know that this practice will support our health and our quality of life, it’s not even something that most of us think too much about since our parents enforced the practice when we were very young; we just do it. When we don’t, we notice the effects. Likewise, formal mindfulness practice can become a habit that we ‘just do’ – and when we don’t practice we feel the results; like a fuzzy-feeling mouth after forgetting to brush the night before- we begin to notice the effects its absence.

Integrating formal practice time into our daily schedule plants the seed of mindfulness in order to become more present and skillful in relating to life. The MBSR program is one of the best ways to learn the practice in a totally secular environment, though attending a retreat or connecting with a local practice group (meditation groups practicing ‘Vipassana’ or ‘Insight’ are practicing mindfulness in a Western Buddhist container) are also great ways to learn or to deepen practice (the Buddhist container is held quite lightly in this tradition.) 

I feel fortunate and grateful to have the opportunity over the next few weeks to take the time out of my life in the container of a formal retreat atmosphere. I continue to cultivate my own practice to deepen my practice and become more skillful and aware in my life.  If you are interested in taking time out to practice for 5, 7, or 9 days, or even longer, you might check out the opportunities at places like Insight Retreat Center and Spirit Rock Meditation Center in California, or Insight RetreatSociety in Massachusetts. Of course, taking the 8 week MBSR program is also a great way to learn and integrate the practices of mindfulness into your day-to-day life.